Trapped Within Myself

I can't escape.  I yearn for someone to continually tell me what I did was right, that it was what I wanted, perhaps needed - that those steps were necessary to guard my heart.  It's easier to internalize when someone else tells me since I'm often at battle with myself.

I've come to accept that no one will understand myself like I do.

As time goes on, you'll understand

What lasts, lasts; what doesn't, doesn't. Time solves most things. And what time can't solve, you have to solve yourself. — Haruki Murakami

My heart's feeling a little lighter these days, the thoughts in my head less jumbled.  I've begun self-testing and unlike my previous attempts, I've appeared to be calmer and more rational in the process.  It's too soon to tell if this will last but I'm taking it one step at a time, facing my fears head-on, holding my breath and hoping for the best.

Post-Grad

So don't be afraid to make mistakes, to stumble and fall, cause most of the time, the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you'll get everything you wish for. Maybe you'll get more than you ever could have imagined. Who knows where life will take you. The road is long and in the end, the journey is the destination.  - One Tree Hill


It's time.

What Makes Love True

Tiffany Tips: When Love Gets Serious

No. 1 

Know Someone’s Favorites.  

Favorite flowers. Favorite authors.  

Favorite designers. How she takes her coffee.  

Shaken, not stirred. Get the drift?

No. 2 

Everyone Has Secrets.  

Some are sad. Some are hilarious.  

Some are scandalous. Most are just mundane.  

When you love someone who loves you,  

secrets are not a problem.

No. 10 

Be True To Yourself.  

In the heady rush of true love, it’s easy  

to compromise your real opinions in the name of romantic tranquility.  

This is a mistake. Be yourself. In the end it’s better.  

“Thanks ever so, darling, but I don’t much care for calf brains.”

No. 18 

Pay Attention To Clothes.  

Not your clothes, silly.  

Someone in love dresses very carefully.  

And it’s a very good idea to take notice.  

The choices made were made to please you.

No. 24 

A PDA Suggestion.  

At parties and events, some couples in love may be found  

desperately clinging to each other  

as though their ship has just been torpedoed.  

They need to know that this behavior is off-putting.  

Who on earth wishes to talk to a couple  

who is saying goodbye to the world?

No. 39

 The Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living.  

That’s what Socrates thought a few thousand years ago.  

And he makes a big point today for couples in love.  

Only when you know yourself can you truly love another.

So what makes love true?

5 Years From Now

As I was cleaning my room today, I came across a few holiday cards, birthday notes, as well as a note I received from a friend prior to high school graduation.  It made me smile.. until I thought back on our last encounter.  I've thought of this friend numerous times post-grad and on the rare occasions we did meet up, I made mental notes to care more, to keep in touch often and to be a better friend.  I always felt that I didn't do 'enough' but as I skimmed through that note again, I realized that I did what I could and maybe that was enough.  At the end of the note, my friend wrote about how she was looking forward to see what path I'd take 5 years from then... and she did see as I watched her sink deeper into self-pity.  Every time I pass her workplace I wonder what would happen if we saw each other, what I'd say, if she still worked there.  Wish I knew where she was 'cause I'd bake her cookies all the time just to make sure she was okay.

Some things are better left unknown

There were times I was mad at God for making me empathize with people I had every right (at least according to friends) to hate, yet there I was separating the behaviours from the persons and believing in the good of people. Maybe my family is right, I try too hard to be different, to be someone most people are not. I've been warned about the consequences of my actions but I keep wondering, "What if this is part of God's plan? What if my heart has the capacity to do this?"

I'm guilty of throwing my heart away, especially as of late, and even though I've picked it back up, it's going to take some time to mend itself and have it function normally. And I still have a lot to learn.

Time and time again, the same people prove to be loyal friends who know my faults but love me all the same. Thank you for being by my side on this journey called life, and for letting me trust freely and completely. Most of us have graduated, moved abroad or are already separated by distance, but I know that you'll be there and so will I for you. I'm really blessed beyond measure.

Writer's block

Wish I were more 'inspired' to blog on a weekly basis but the past couple months have been anything but memorable. Okay I lied 'cause I flew to Vegas and Orlando and spent a week on a boat to the Caribbeans, and then there was my 24th birthday... but the time prior to my trips (January-March) I have no recollection whatsoever...  funny how the less I have to do, the less I remember.

I feel myself slowing sliding into the danger zone as I refuse to take my next step forward, somewhere, anywhere.  My fear of taking a wrong turn has resulted in excessive procrastination.  I always thought I had my life planned out, I thought I knew when I was 10.  14 years later, I've lost my drive while my friends have found direction.  I admit I've been feeling sorry for myself lately so hearing about friends' next plan of action, their career stories as well as new opportunities have been encouraging.  I'm extremely happy for them and pray that doors will open for me too.

My friends are amazing, selfless people - and catching up these past two weeks made me miss them even more.  Don't you love it when you can let down your guard and say whatever you want without hesitation? (: