5 Years From Now

As I was cleaning my room today, I came across a few holiday cards, birthday notes, as well as a note I received from a friend prior to high school graduation.  It made me smile.. until I thought back on our last encounter.  I've thought of this friend numerous times post-grad and on the rare occasions we did meet up, I made mental notes to care more, to keep in touch often and to be a better friend.  I always felt that I didn't do 'enough' but as I skimmed through that note again, I realized that I did what I could and maybe that was enough.  At the end of the note, my friend wrote about how she was looking forward to see what path I'd take 5 years from then... and she did see as I watched her sink deeper into self-pity.  Every time I pass her workplace I wonder what would happen if we saw each other, what I'd say, if she still worked there.  Wish I knew where she was 'cause I'd bake her cookies all the time just to make sure she was okay.

Some things are better left unknown

There were times I was mad at God for making me empathize with people I had every right (at least according to friends) to hate, yet there I was separating the behaviours from the persons and believing in the good of people. Maybe my family is right, I try too hard to be different, to be someone most people are not. I've been warned about the consequences of my actions but I keep wondering, "What if this is part of God's plan? What if my heart has the capacity to do this?"

I'm guilty of throwing my heart away, especially as of late, and even though I've picked it back up, it's going to take some time to mend itself and have it function normally. And I still have a lot to learn.

Time and time again, the same people prove to be loyal friends who know my faults but love me all the same. Thank you for being by my side on this journey called life, and for letting me trust freely and completely. Most of us have graduated, moved abroad or are already separated by distance, but I know that you'll be there and so will I for you. I'm really blessed beyond measure.

Writer's block

Wish I were more 'inspired' to blog on a weekly basis but the past couple months have been anything but memorable. Okay I lied 'cause I flew to Vegas and Orlando and spent a week on a boat to the Caribbeans, and then there was my 24th birthday... but the time prior to my trips (January-March) I have no recollection whatsoever...  funny how the less I have to do, the less I remember.

I feel myself slowing sliding into the danger zone as I refuse to take my next step forward, somewhere, anywhere.  My fear of taking a wrong turn has resulted in excessive procrastination.  I always thought I had my life planned out, I thought I knew when I was 10.  14 years later, I've lost my drive while my friends have found direction.  I admit I've been feeling sorry for myself lately so hearing about friends' next plan of action, their career stories as well as new opportunities have been encouraging.  I'm extremely happy for them and pray that doors will open for me too.

My friends are amazing, selfless people - and catching up these past two weeks made me miss them even more.  Don't you love it when you can let down your guard and say whatever you want without hesitation? (:

How do you leave the past behind

... when it keeps finding ways to get to your heart?

His past haunts me. I don't know why I do this to myself but sometimes I catch myself digging up the remains of their past relationship, trying to get a glimpse of whatever I can find that's been left behind.  I want to be honest, it hurts me to know that I'm not his first girlfriend.  In the past, I had dreams that my future boyfriend and I would be each other's first loves - that we'd learn, grow and experience everything together the first time 'round but it didn't quite happen the way I planned.  (When does it ever?) I know what we have is special but there are times when I question his choice of words, the song lyrics he sends me - it stings me to know that these exact sayings were used once before.  Is it jealousy that's taking over?  I'm convinced it's insecurity that this jealousy stems from, that I'm weaker than I thought.  I used to be stronger, more confident in myself as a person - but this relationship has proven to me that I struggle between being an understanding person and the self-absorbed girlfriend that I despise to be.  Maybe if his ex were less clingy, less dependent on him - I wouldn't feel so threatened by her presence.  I'm realizing that words aren't enough (I'm a bs-ing Communication student after all) to convince me that what I do and don't do satisfies his male ego that maybe one day he'll wake up and want someone who'd lean on him more, less independent.  He's been trying really hard to be extremely transparent with me yet I find myself holding back - I don't know why I can't just let it all out.  Sometimes I can't be myself, afraid that I'd offend him in some way, stuck in the mindset of attempting to be the perfect girl I strive to be.  (Is that so bad?)  I know I'm overthinking, making things seem more complex than it should be but it's hard.  It's the boyfriend's birthday tomorrow and his best friend wanted to carry on the tradition and surprise him - so I (along with my best friend whom I personally invited - she's really the best for supporting me) will be meeting his ex-gf for the very first time.  I'm not ready for this but I'm not sure when I'll be - it is his day after all, and maybe - just maybe - my insecurities will subside when I meet her.  He's been frustrated by my stubborness, knowing that something's been bothering me but I refuse to tell him.  I dislike hiding from him but if I say anything, his surprise will be ruined.  I just have to keep convincing myself that I can get through this, and I will, I hope.

So Close Yet Feels So Far

13 days until the last final of my undergraduate career.

3 hours I have slept.

12 hours until my last term paper is due.

I'm so close to freedom yet I'm lacking more motivation than ever before.

WHY, SELF, MUST YOU BE LIKE THIS?! =_=

And in my grumpy state, I must've called my boyfriend a jerk and said countless of other things I didn't mean.  Despite this, he's still here pushing me forward even though he's extremely tired and has a million things he needs to do.  I don't know how he puts up with me.  I'm horrible :(

I Couldn't Be Happier

It's indescribable - everything I imagined my future relationship would be and more.

I know I give him a hard time with my mood swings and stubbornness but he still remains by my side, patiently listening, allowing me to be emotional, and holding tightly to my hand.  I hope I can be just as supportive of him as much as he tolerates me.

We're not the perfect but I'm looking forward to growing, improving and figuring things out together.  I'm excited to see where this adventure takes us (:

My Productive Waste of a Day

My most memorable memory last week was attending school when I didn't need to. Lacking sleep like I regularly do on Monday mornings, I was halfway through my work shift when I was convinced I had class that afternoon.  So I trekked downtown despite being a half hour late for my tutorial. Deciding that I'd catch the next tutorial, I studied a bit and then walked into an empty computer lab at the next hour.  Confused, I thought I had missed all the tutorials and had no choice but to wait for my class to begin an hour later.  However, when I walked into the lecture hall, I quickly realized it was pitch black without a single soul in sight.  At this point, I began to freak and asked a technician walking by if there was a classroom switch.  He looked at me funny and informed me that the class was scheduled one hour later. Sheepishly I realized my mistake and slowly made my way back to the skytrain station.  Oh well, at least I got some studying done - and guess what?  I started my day with the right foot forward and was early my tutorial the next day (;