How do you leave the past behind

... when it keeps finding ways to get to your heart?

His past haunts me. I don't know why I do this to myself but sometimes I catch myself digging up the remains of their past relationship, trying to get a glimpse of whatever I can find that's been left behind.  I want to be honest, it hurts me to know that I'm not his first girlfriend.  In the past, I had dreams that my future boyfriend and I would be each other's first loves - that we'd learn, grow and experience everything together the first time 'round but it didn't quite happen the way I planned.  (When does it ever?) I know what we have is special but there are times when I question his choice of words, the song lyrics he sends me - it stings me to know that these exact sayings were used once before.  Is it jealousy that's taking over?  I'm convinced it's insecurity that this jealousy stems from, that I'm weaker than I thought.  I used to be stronger, more confident in myself as a person - but this relationship has proven to me that I struggle between being an understanding person and the self-absorbed girlfriend that I despise to be.  Maybe if his ex were less clingy, less dependent on him - I wouldn't feel so threatened by her presence.  I'm realizing that words aren't enough (I'm a bs-ing Communication student after all) to convince me that what I do and don't do satisfies his male ego that maybe one day he'll wake up and want someone who'd lean on him more, less independent.  He's been trying really hard to be extremely transparent with me yet I find myself holding back - I don't know why I can't just let it all out.  Sometimes I can't be myself, afraid that I'd offend him in some way, stuck in the mindset of attempting to be the perfect girl I strive to be.  (Is that so bad?)  I know I'm overthinking, making things seem more complex than it should be but it's hard.  It's the boyfriend's birthday tomorrow and his best friend wanted to carry on the tradition and surprise him - so I (along with my best friend whom I personally invited - she's really the best for supporting me) will be meeting his ex-gf for the very first time.  I'm not ready for this but I'm not sure when I'll be - it is his day after all, and maybe - just maybe - my insecurities will subside when I meet her.  He's been frustrated by my stubborness, knowing that something's been bothering me but I refuse to tell him.  I dislike hiding from him but if I say anything, his surprise will be ruined.  I just have to keep convincing myself that I can get through this, and I will, I hope.

So Close Yet Feels So Far

13 days until the last final of my undergraduate career.

3 hours I have slept.

12 hours until my last term paper is due.

I'm so close to freedom yet I'm lacking more motivation than ever before.

WHY, SELF, MUST YOU BE LIKE THIS?! =_=

And in my grumpy state, I must've called my boyfriend a jerk and said countless of other things I didn't mean.  Despite this, he's still here pushing me forward even though he's extremely tired and has a million things he needs to do.  I don't know how he puts up with me.  I'm horrible :(

I Couldn't Be Happier

It's indescribable - everything I imagined my future relationship would be and more.

I know I give him a hard time with my mood swings and stubbornness but he still remains by my side, patiently listening, allowing me to be emotional, and holding tightly to my hand.  I hope I can be just as supportive of him as much as he tolerates me.

We're not the perfect but I'm looking forward to growing, improving and figuring things out together.  I'm excited to see where this adventure takes us (:

My Productive Waste of a Day

My most memorable memory last week was attending school when I didn't need to. Lacking sleep like I regularly do on Monday mornings, I was halfway through my work shift when I was convinced I had class that afternoon.  So I trekked downtown despite being a half hour late for my tutorial. Deciding that I'd catch the next tutorial, I studied a bit and then walked into an empty computer lab at the next hour.  Confused, I thought I had missed all the tutorials and had no choice but to wait for my class to begin an hour later.  However, when I walked into the lecture hall, I quickly realized it was pitch black without a single soul in sight.  At this point, I began to freak and asked a technician walking by if there was a classroom switch.  He looked at me funny and informed me that the class was scheduled one hour later. Sheepishly I realized my mistake and slowly made my way back to the skytrain station.  Oh well, at least I got some studying done - and guess what?  I started my day with the right foot forward and was early my tutorial the next day (;

He's Just Not That Into You

This movie really gives you something to think about... especially about the misinterpretation of 'signs'.  But of course, like all chick flicks, you cannot take in every romantic ideal and expect to apply them to reality.  While there is some truth to these pretenses, we need to prevent ourselves from making assumptions and overanalyzing every single gesture or word spoken to us whether it be great or subtle (it's something I believe both genders need to learn - sometimes girls or guys really just care about you as a friend and nothing more).  In the wise words of Justin Long's character, Alex, "If a guy wants to be with a girl, he will make it happen, no matter what" (or at least that's what I hope!)

Our problem lies in the 'comforting' advice we are given as we grow up (I am also guilty of passing along these so-called words of wisdom).  That extra attention they give you, whether it be a smile or in the form mocking, does not necessarily equal to 'like'.

Gigi: Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope. 

Another thing that caught my attention is that although I regularly use social media and instant messaging technologies, I realize that as I get older, I desire and understand the importance of interpersonal communication - nothing beats connecting on a deeper level, face-to-face without a handheld device or computer screen acting as a bridge between two people. I also enjoy less ambiguity in conversations.

Mary: I had this guy leave me a voicemail at work, so I called him at home, and then he emailed me to my BlackBerry, and so I texted to his cell, and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies.

Here's to focusing on the present (:

101 Things in 1001 Days

The problem with New Year's Resolutions is that I usually forget about them a month later while Bucket Lists don't provide a realistic time frame for me to complete my goals. There is too much room for procrastination when tasks are not clearly defined.  The solution?  I've decided to give 101 Things in 100 Days a try - Inspired by other bloggers' lists, I've created my own - let's see how many of these I accomplish in 2.75 years!

Start Date: June 22, 2010
End Date: March 19, 2013 


Italicized = In progress
Bold = Done

o1. Get something I've written published

o2. Take dance lessons

o3. Have a tweet replied by a celebrity on Twitter

o4. Get a cactus for my room

o5. Attempt 31 Days of Love [Refer to 365 Days of Love] (0/31)

o6. Have my letter/comment read on-air on the radio

o7. Organize a tea party with my closest friends

o8. Give someone message pills in a bottle (Refer to A Millionaire's First Love)

o9. Go on a missions trip

1o. Read at least twelve books for fun in a year (0/12)

11. Try African food

12. Read a book on grammar

13. Try a new recipe every month for a year (0/12)

14. Put away half my paycheque into my savings account every month for 1 year to see how much I can save

15. Create a time capsule for myself to open in 5 years

16. Snap a picture a day for a month (0/30)

17. Write an "if anything ever happens to me" letter

18. Learn a new instrument

19. Send my parents on an all-expense paid for vacation

2o. Participate in the Sun Run

21. Watch a Chinese and Korean movie without subtitles (0/2)

22. Send someone a care package

23. Hang a lock at Namsan Tower in Seoul

24. Blog something meaningful everyday for a week

25. Write 10 notes of appreciation to 10 friends (0/10)

26. Watch the sunrise

27. Do the Grouse Grind

28. Travel to Shanghai

29. Go snowboarding

3o. Do a 7 day cleanse

31. Commit to the 60-day Insanity workout

32. Attend 5 live concerts (1/5)

33. Visit my sister when she goes on exchange

34. Throw a surprise party for someone special

35. Go ice skating at Robson Square

36. Make a trip to try beavertails (I am after all Canadian now!)

37. Indulge in cheesecake at Cheesecake Etc.

38. Attempt to take a picture in the middle of the street in Shibuya, Japan

39. Keep a prayer journal

4o. Volunteer for a great cause

41. Eat In-N-Out

42. Visit the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco

43. Shop at a flea market

44. Take a train ride

45. See a movie by myself

46. Watch Lord of the Rings

47. Buy a hard drive

48. Learn to make an Indian dish

49. Visit Charlie’s Chocolate Factory

5o. Organize a Tegomass Forums staff reunion with everyone living in Vancouver

51. Create a portfolio

52. See a drive-in movie

53. Host a dinner party

54. Call someone new once a week for 2 months to catch up (0/8)

55. Take pictures at a photobooth

56. Take my driving test

57. Go on a roadtrip

58. Make a daily list of 5 things that make me happy for one month

59. Attend a film festival

6o. Take up ice skating lessons again

61. Go to bed by midnight for a month (0/30)

62. Clean and redecorate my room

63. Put photo frames up on my room wall

64. Cook for my family once a week for 6 months (0/24)

65. Find out my blood type

66. Graduate

67. Don’t complain about anything for one week

68. Take a yoga class

69. Go hiking

7o. Shop at a thrift shop

71. Read all the books I’ve purchased

72. Bake a birthday cake for someone

73. Expand my vocabulary by 100 words

74. Attend a musical

75. Read a book in the park

76. Develop my photos

77. Find a full-time job

78. Drink only water for 2 weeks straight

79. Donate unworn clothing and shoes

8o. Tutor someone

81. Try geo-caching

82. Learn to bake cheesecake

83. Write a letter to my future 28-year old self

84. Review my Mandarin texts

85. Attend 5 local events (0/5)

86. Complete reading 30 Books Everyone Should Read Before Their 30th Birthday list

87. Go jogging at least twice a week for 2 months

88. Go to one Bard on the Beach play once a year (1/2)

89. Reconnect with 3 old friends (0/3)

9o. Balance chequebook at least once a month for a year (0/12)

91. Go on a grad trip

92. Learn to make seaweed soup

93. Back up my computer files & organize into folders

94. Pray for someone consistently for a month, repeat.

95. Keep a Bible reading/devotions journal

96. Surprise 5 people with something nice (0/5)

97. Make a new friend

98. Save $200 every month for 6 months (0/6)

99. Open up a power savings account

1oo. Learn to make Vietnamese shrimp rolls

1o1. Learn to use every single function on my camera

Dear Self, Let's Continue To Improve

I desire to be someone who is capable and intelligent yet sensitive and caring towards the people around me. I want to make God my focus before anything else.  Be a girl after God's own heart, able to feel the things that breaks His as well as those that bring Him joy.  Reliable and dependable are characteristics I'd like to encompass, someone with a good head on her shoulders who is goal-oriented and prioritizes her time well.  One who cares for herself as much as she loves others.  Someone who knows where she stands on matters and can back it up with evidence. I don't want to be a girl who complains about suffering but one who deals with situations and obstacles calmly and gracefully.  Not someone who boasts about her past or plans for the future but one who is humble and recognizes that her strength is from God.