Breaking Out

God is amazing, so very amazing. When I think back on SR in May, I get overwhelmed by how much He actually loves me; I don't need to prove anything to Him, He loves and values me just as I am. He also loves His church and I'm excited to grow with it. For the first time, I felt we were finally understanding and allowing ourselves to be raw, uncensored people. It was a breakthrough between myself and God, listening to His prodding and casting my burdens at His feet. Every time I think of that final night, I'm overwhelmed to tears- by the love and unity in that room. I really am extremely blessed.

Blessings & Reflections

May 15, 2012 - My 25th birthday begins with 2 surprises just shy of midnight.  A video message and a lovely song show up in my inbox, as well as something I had my eyes on is discovered hidden in my room drawer.  In the afternoon, another personal feat is challenged with successful results.  This is followed by dinner with my family with my favourite foods and easy-going conversations around the table.  At home, Jacqueline's boyfriend requests to end work early to come celebrate with me.  He tells me of a big present downstairs, prepared by himself and my out of town boyfriend.  Half-believing and half-suspicious, I cautiously walk down the steps and peak out from around the corner... nothing.  That is until I hear a creak rip from the basement floor which usually occurs when someone shifts weight.  Another surprise!  My friends, who have become my family, all stand around smiling and singing, as I sense continuous waves of gratefulness washing over me.  I have been blessed immensely with an extremely supportive family, an amazing bunch of close-knit friends, and a loving boyfriend who goes that extra mile to make me happy.  I woke up with a smile on my face and a thankful heart.

There will be several significant changes that will be happening in a few months; most notably, close loved ones whom will be taking on new adventures a couple thousand miles away.  It's starting to sink in, we're all moving forward yet in different directions.  I guess my 25th year resolution turned out to be quite fitting especially with all these changes - I'm gonna have to grow up this year.  From smaller things like driving myself around to bigger ones like taking on new responsibilities.  Despite this, I refuse to stress out and worry about the future and my past/current troubles.  I'm encouraged by Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." And more importantly, vv 12-14a: "Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity".  This may just become my 25 year old passage!

A Fresh Approach

It's been about 5-6 months since I last worked 30+ hours per week.  I spent 2011 chilling, travelling - and when I finally decided it was time to look for work, God blessed me with a position almost immediately.  I was excited to start after hearing of all the possibilities I'd be given during the interview - paid language lessons, a chance to do some marketing.  A month in, I discovered that I couldn't see where I'd be moving towards and if I were to change positions in the college, realistically it'd take me 2-3 years like most of my other coworkers.  I began to despise my position along with its tedious tasks and unequal workload among my colleagues.  Moreover, my depression kicked in (again) and for the next few months, I'd call in sick as many times pushing away guilt and replacing it with self-preservation reasoning.  So while I told others that I had quit due to desire to change fields/careers, dislike of managements/tasks, and no challenge/personal growth, I never told them it was actually affecting my well-being - the stress wasn't as much from my workplace but it was from external factors, my surroundings and my allowance to let them affect me.  So where does that leave me now?

Half the time, I'm usually sleeping in (when I don't need to work) and when I'm awake, I can be found perusing fashion & lifestyle blogs in my Google Reader and catching up on the newest vlogs and beauty tutorials on Youtube.  I always wondered if all those 'wasted' hours were as pointless as people believed yet little did I know that they actually did me good.  How else would I have known the Pantone colour of the year is Tangerine Tango or who Chan Luu is?  And now that I've started my internship, all this knowledge is spilling out and it's registering in my mind.  More importantly though, this internship came exactly at the right time.  I was saved and blessed again by God's grace.  It happened so quickly yet ever so smoothly (it still amazes me).  One moment I was crawling through darkness, and the next a small window of hope appears.  But I know the journey is long and there are battles to be fought, so I can't get too comfortable; it's my turn to make a move.

I'm undeserving of these opportunities but I will do my very best for the one who gives me strength.

New goals are in order but I'll save that for tomorrow.  Blogging daily might just be one of them :)

The Next 2 Weeks

I'm going to wake up thankful everyday, to attempt to change my negatives to positives, one thought at a time.

I know I'm blessed, it's about time I act like it.

I Need An Outlet

Connected yet so alone.  I know that feeling well.  I looked through my contact list, didn't want to message the regulars so decided to retreat.  Goodnight.

Seriously, What Am I Doing With My Life?

Friend: You're an aspiring actress. Doing bad low budget movies
Waiting for that one big role to get you into the big screen

Me: So I'm just waiting around for that dream job huh

Friend: Lol no! You're doing these little roles for recognition so someone can see how talented you are and then they cast for you the big role.  Like that!
Or you get desperate and do trashy reality TV shows instead.  Hopefully not like that!

Sighs.

Twenty-Twelve

Albert Camus once wrote, "Blessed are the hearts that can bend. They shall never be broken." But I wonder... If there's no breaking, then there's no healing. And if there's no healing, then there is no learning. And if there's no learning, then there's no struggle. But the struggle is a part of life, So must all hearts be broken? (One Tree Hill)


New year, new start. This year will be one of productive healing, unbroken promises and measurable goals.  I expect to fail, cry and break in the process - letting go of pride, self-consciousness and control, for the search for authenticity.  From the time I began this blog up until now, I lost my desire to be someone who was unafraid to be overwhelmingly herself.  This is going to change.. through baby steps.  I'd be setting myself up for disappointment if I leapt too far, too soon - right?