A Fresh Approach

It's been about 5-6 months since I last worked 30+ hours per week.  I spent 2011 chilling, travelling - and when I finally decided it was time to look for work, God blessed me with a position almost immediately.  I was excited to start after hearing of all the possibilities I'd be given during the interview - paid language lessons, a chance to do some marketing.  A month in, I discovered that I couldn't see where I'd be moving towards and if I were to change positions in the college, realistically it'd take me 2-3 years like most of my other coworkers.  I began to despise my position along with its tedious tasks and unequal workload among my colleagues.  Moreover, my depression kicked in (again) and for the next few months, I'd call in sick as many times pushing away guilt and replacing it with self-preservation reasoning.  So while I told others that I had quit due to desire to change fields/careers, dislike of managements/tasks, and no challenge/personal growth, I never told them it was actually affecting my well-being - the stress wasn't as much from my workplace but it was from external factors, my surroundings and my allowance to let them affect me.  So where does that leave me now?

Half the time, I'm usually sleeping in (when I don't need to work) and when I'm awake, I can be found perusing fashion & lifestyle blogs in my Google Reader and catching up on the newest vlogs and beauty tutorials on Youtube.  I always wondered if all those 'wasted' hours were as pointless as people believed yet little did I know that they actually did me good.  How else would I have known the Pantone colour of the year is Tangerine Tango or who Chan Luu is?  And now that I've started my internship, all this knowledge is spilling out and it's registering in my mind.  More importantly though, this internship came exactly at the right time.  I was saved and blessed again by God's grace.  It happened so quickly yet ever so smoothly (it still amazes me).  One moment I was crawling through darkness, and the next a small window of hope appears.  But I know the journey is long and there are battles to be fought, so I can't get too comfortable; it's my turn to make a move.

I'm undeserving of these opportunities but I will do my very best for the one who gives me strength.

New goals are in order but I'll save that for tomorrow.  Blogging daily might just be one of them :)

The Next 2 Weeks

I'm going to wake up thankful everyday, to attempt to change my negatives to positives, one thought at a time.

I know I'm blessed, it's about time I act like it.

I Need An Outlet

Connected yet so alone.  I know that feeling well.  I looked through my contact list, didn't want to message the regulars so decided to retreat.  Goodnight.

Seriously, What Am I Doing With My Life?

Friend: You're an aspiring actress. Doing bad low budget movies
Waiting for that one big role to get you into the big screen

Me: So I'm just waiting around for that dream job huh

Friend: Lol no! You're doing these little roles for recognition so someone can see how talented you are and then they cast for you the big role.  Like that!
Or you get desperate and do trashy reality TV shows instead.  Hopefully not like that!

Sighs.

Twenty-Twelve

Albert Camus once wrote, "Blessed are the hearts that can bend. They shall never be broken." But I wonder... If there's no breaking, then there's no healing. And if there's no healing, then there is no learning. And if there's no learning, then there's no struggle. But the struggle is a part of life, So must all hearts be broken? (One Tree Hill)


New year, new start. This year will be one of productive healing, unbroken promises and measurable goals.  I expect to fail, cry and break in the process - letting go of pride, self-consciousness and control, for the search for authenticity.  From the time I began this blog up until now, I lost my desire to be someone who was unafraid to be overwhelmingly herself.  This is going to change.. through baby steps.  I'd be setting myself up for disappointment if I leapt too far, too soon - right?   

Do What You Love, Do It For You

I'm here to tell you, Life isn't just what you think
It's full of puzzles, still just a puzzle to me
And every time you think you're ahead, it's not what it seems

Life tends to happen while you're still making your plans
So dare to dream big, 'cause it's worth taking a chance
And when tomorrow comes, you will know you gave everything

So just do what you love
And love what you do
There're so many things in life and they're all here for you
Just do what you love
Do it for you
Smile everyday
You can do anything

At times we find ourselves by the risks that we take
Turns out the best part, life isn't love that we make
Seek the answers to all your questions, what can you see?

We're all connected in life, we're all part of the same
The time we have here, short but it's worth everything
No matter what just know that there's nothing you cannot be

So just do what you love
And love what you do
There're so many things in life and they're all here for you
Just do what you love
Do it for you
Smile everyday
You can do anything

And at times it'll feel just like when it rains it pours you will see
And at times it'll seem just like all the walls closed in on me
Just get up and live

So just do what you love
And love what you do
There're so many things in life and they're all here for you
Just do what you love
Do it for you
Smile everyday
You can do anything

There is a time for everything

and a season for every activity under the heavens:
 ² a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
 ³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
 ⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance,
 ⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
 ⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
   a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 ⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
   a time to be silent and a time to speak,
 ⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
   a time for war and a time for peace.

When my frustrations and disappointments take over, Ecclesiastes 3 often comes to mind - and as I meditate on the words, I feel encouraged, renewed.  'Cause when I think back to all the past 'toils' in my life, I'm reminded that everything has to take its course before it can become 'beautiful'. 

This afternoon I had a few hours of solitude and it resulted in a lake of emotions, as expected.  I cannot be left alone with my thoughts too frequently.